restrospective

I pray to see you again. I miss you, Ingkong.

A Restrospect (Mass Orientation with Bro. Eli) 

Believer Magazine, April-May 2005, Vol.02 No.05. - Happy New Year 

pp.90-91 

The entire history of the Church of God International was revealed when Bro. Eli gathered the newly baptized brethren for an orientation last March 13, 2005 at the ADD Convention Center in Apalit, Pampanga. It was 'the event' of the year since this was the first time that the brethren have witnessed the revelation of what our organization had gone through from Bro. Nicolas Perez's to Bro. Eli's time in full details. With Bro. Eli as the prime speaker, a new perspective in each and everyone's divine servitude had surfaced and the faith once abided by had evolved into an unyielding fidelity to God, His ministers, and to the ones He had sent to lead us unto perfection, Bro. Eli and Bro. Daniel. 

The convention center was jampacked with faithfuls who were more than eager to spend the entire day in the company of our preachers. Not only our brothers and sisters aged 1 year below were invited for the acquaintance, but the others as well. It was like a Saturday when we would gather for our weekly 'Thanksgiving'. The atmosphere leaned more to a congenial environment wherein interaction took place and love permeated. Looking out from my spot in the bleacher, I saw all the action and felt all possible emotions I could gather. As Bro. Eli imparted the information invaluable to us as members of the Church of God in the Bible, I saw a woman (a newly baptized sister-in-faith) who, I think, was just about my age. She was sitting so still and listening attentively to what Bro. Eli was saying. Trying not to appear too conclusive, I imagined her former status and condition in life - the adversaries she had faced and the agonies and sorrows conciding them. What brought her to her present situation in life must have been bound to God's powerful deed. And if summoned for an interview, piles of possible stories could be unearthed that will give inspiration and good morals to the brethren. 

Each of us has our own history to tell. From childhood days to the present, our lives are full events and experiences both meaningful and undesirable to us. We may never admit it outwardly though but some of them we just want to forget and consequently develop an attitude of avoiding their probabilities if possible. But generally, these seemingly bad incidents in our lives constitute much pf what we are now - mostly our desirable qualities are products of the existence as well as persistence of unfavorable happenings in our lives. After all the struggles to reach whatever goal or objective we may incur, we became better persons with a full and clear vision of our destination. This substantial stage in a man's life could be regarded as relative to us, members of the Church of God. Before we came to know the Truth, each of our lives were one 'hell' of a roller coaster ride; never knowing when it's going to break off. Apparently, we are now in a sound state. Our lives have more meaning and we have a clear insight to where we are heading. God had revealed all of these to us within the time being of our existence here on earth. And eventhough we know there still are more problems to come, our faith is that God is co-existing with us and the Church. He has seen us through in our 'past' lives. Assuredly, He will guide us through the rest of it. 

Our organization under the leadership of Bro. Eli had gone through tough times adding the similar fate acquired by our preacher. People with evil intentions proved to be a constant nuisance in our determined will of propagating the Word of God. They never stopped creating senseless issues to malign Bro. Eli hoping those lies will cause the members to backslide and yield to them. But from time to time, we have proven that God is on our side. Bro. Eli is alive and undaunted by the many trials and obstacles that went his way. Our brothers and sisters are firm in their faith which is prominently seen through their respective ways of helping Bro. Eli in his plight. One way or the other, benevolence will have to shove through. God will never leave the ones who are true in serving Him deep in the puddle while the supposedly pious persons are wallowing in their worldly pleasures. True that history repeats itself as it is also written in the Bible - truer that God loves His people and He is among them who are steadfast in adhering to His commandments. 

As I was viewing Bro. Eli from afar, I felt his incomparable love for the congregation. It was a homogenous feeling permeating around that was overwhelming in its sense. I couldn't imagine any man who has that kind of love for people who aren't even his close kins or intimate friends, for that matter. I was baptized year 1999 and I haven't shaken hands with Bro. Eli or talked to him privately (maybe in my dreams) but I know he loves me. Never in my stay here in his premises that I begged for food or lacked short with my needs. I am sufficient in provisions and spiritual nourishment. And he's doing it not because he's expecting something in return. Bro. Eli believes it is his duty to provide the brethren with all their needs even if it means sacrificing his. And that for me is the greatest sacrifice a man can offer. Throughout the history of the organization, Bro. Eli proved that he is unfailing in his obligation toward us. Incertitudes and subversions will arise but those aren't enough reasons to doubt the integrity of our preachers and the Church as a whole. A proper forum is necessary to discuss those things and that was what Bro. Eli thought of. 

Many time in his speech, he said, "...kung mawawala ako..." ("...if I would die..."). For me, those words are hurtful enough to make me shed a tear. I couldn't imagine my life without Bro. Eli as I couldn't imagine God punishing me with eternal damnation for my numerous transgressions. I trust God in his commissioning Bro. Eli to preach his teachings and I trust Bro. Eli in the rightful way he's ministering the members of this organization. History is the enduring proof. And God is the eternal witness. 

ctrl z

i wanted to
every single day
but i cannot
because of the unknown thing
that shouldn't have been known
since its realisation within the second month
of this mysterious year
other mouths are faster than mine
and though these fingers i can restrict
within this infant box of letters
i cannot bridle the b
direct the l
dominate the o
force the a
and control the z

friendship's forfeited
felicity gone

white skies

i look up and my eyes wander
to every detail and every inch
of your edges
mapping where i can plant my soft touches
yet scolding my hands
not to
ever
though you are beaming with starlight
your countenance
sends teardrops to fall incessantly
inside
'cause you're too white
and high as the skies
above me
yes, you are



i miss my dog :)

salamat po

sa umagang hindi ko inaasahang darating pa
sa mga notebook at lapis na nagsisilbing kalayaan ko
sa hopiang monggo na pumawi ng sakit ng tyan
sa pintong hindi humadlang sa tawag ng kalikasan
sa maligalig na araw pangtuyo ng nakatulugang labada
sa kaibigang nakalimutan kong tulungan
sa orasang bantay at paalala
sa tunog ng treng nagtatanggol na maayos pa ang aking pandinig
sa nanay at tatay na parang thermometer na consistent sa pagmo-monitor
sa aking mga biik na marunong maghugas ng pinggan, maglaba, magplantsa, at mag-ipon
sa mukhang muli kong masisilayan
sa tatay sa Panginoon na laging nangangaral
sa dalawang tinig na lagi kong nami-miss

kahit hindi ako karapat-dapat sa mga ipinagpapasalamat ko

salamat po

calm you

it is the blue-ness or green-ness of the sea
maybe the still water or the sudden bursts of waves
that pulls and pushes
mixing the colors in my eye palette
the tree firm and unyielding
inches away from the shoreline
leaves and branches swaying rhythmically
to the shy hush of the water
a stretch of land in the horizon
pale yet sending a promise of adventure
once the sky forgets its looming over
anything and everything
it pleases to blanket over
all these images
in a perfectly square picture
revealing
acknowledging
crushing
suffocating
calming
calmness
calm
you.

moonlight

beauty i have never fully seen

not until light shows up and finds home

on the strands of  your hair

you are more enchanting in moonlight

filtered with everything admirable in you

grace period

once a man broke my heart quite intentionally and it reallly hurt so bad. i laid in bed and watched tv for three days without sleeping. just by looking at my face you could enjoy a horror movie that would scare and hunt you for days. i lost weight so much i bought a handful of safety pins just to fit myself into my clothes. when i thought i was about lose myself, i prayed to God to take all the pain away. i told Him that i know everything happens for a reason and i trust Him with all my heart that He knows what's best for me.

forgiveness was a different issue though. truthfully, i had a hard time forgiving that man. i couldnt find a single cell of reason in my brain that  would make him leave me the way he did. it was only after some time that i was able to say that i have truly forgiven him. and i thank God for that. He made me realize that no matter how badly people treat you, you should always have a loving and forgiving heart.

a while ago, when ate luz was getting reactions from the brethren about today's topic, i thought to myself what i would say if she asked me. i was surprised to feel tears trickling down on my face. confused as i was, i started to question what i really felt... it was gratitude. I cannot imagine the magnitude of God's faithfulness and kindness to every human being that He even gave us a 'grace period' through Christ's one thousand year reign.

in my heart i know God loves me. i have given Him so many heartaches but still He paints a smile on my face whenever He thinks i needed it. i believe He is just asking for one thing among others through today's topic... that i, we, should give kindness to all and always extend our own 'grace period' to everyone. hard and laborious as it may seem, it will bear fruit someday as Kuya Daniel and Brother Eli said.

happy thanksgiving.  :)

35

two numbers that can cut you wide and deep
slit you open 'til you see reality settling inside
you
an inevitable one
to someone who sees blue from black
and happiness from a shrouded disaster
to my chagrin
always
never have to question that
yet regretful about what you can see
through the slightly opened window
if only the door has not been shut

i woke up to the sound of fear

a man and a woman were fighting over a small apparatus used by a diabetic patient.  the man was sitting on a dining chair while the woman was standing up, showing the man how to use the thing properly.

i saw this vivid image as my eyes were forced open by the sharp points of their exchange of words.  from the point of view of an outsider, the whole ordeal may seem trivial.  but for someone who knew them since birth, it was believable enough to conclude that their actions stemmed out from a deeply rooted emotion.

fear.

although it's been said that watching horror or thriller movies can have a considerable effect to a person's physical state, i watch one old horror movie at nights when i need to finish a task.  i just let it roll in my player until such time that i'm scaring myself too much and i'm nervous enough not to keep my eyes shut.  sometimes it is fear that pushes me to eat or not lest i acquire diseases.  and every time it is fear that encourages me to be a good person because i believe that God is fair.  He is willing to grant prayers if He sees that a person deserves it and is obedient to Him.

so what about the man and the woman?

i feel they are both afraid to lose each other.  oftentimes in relationships, when a person tries very hard to be understood by the other, he or she doesn't want the relationship to end at that instance.  apparently, it suggests fear.  sometimes it leads to a point when they get frustrated and even try to hurt each other physically though that shouldn't happen. love should always be the reason to stay or get out of a relationship instead of fear.  and if one says that he or she loves another but has fear, it's not love at all - love is without fear.

i have another fear and it has a different kind of story.  i am hoping someday to wake up without it.  :)

To the girl I loved and lost

     I really cannot imagine a mother leaving her still young daughter on a corner pavement with her baby brother in her arms asking for anything from alms to half-drank Coke floats on a late Sunday evening with everyone else going to malls, partying, and plunging into eating binges.  I can go on describing and going into details about what I just saw but what I cannot blabber is the feeling it gave me.  I was moved to tears when the little girl looked at me teary-eyed.  Maybe she was hungry and couldn't stand up to buy food because it seemed that her baby brother was too heavy for her to carry.  Or she was feeling lonely to be all alone by herself with oblivious strangers just passing by her.

     Sympathetic and all, I remember a time when I walked from UP Diliman to Malabon City.  I went to UP to see my best friend wearing my Letran uniform and carrying my backpack full of books and choir uniform.  He seemed to have forgotten me when he rode a jeep going home and left me penniless.  He knew I had no extra money then and said he would pay for my fare. :)

     So I tread every pedestrian lane, careful not to expend my strength all at once from walking unlimited kilometers to reach my destination.  It took me almost four hours.  I was so hungry at the end of the ordeal and my legs and the soles of my feet were aching, bloated I presume.  I think I've sung almost all the songs that were written during that time.  It was one of the memorable experiences I had tucked in the corner of my brain and summoned only when a subject like that random little girl calls for needed empathy and act of kindness.

     I don't want to feel sadness to that extent ever again because of someone's negligence.  But as much as I want to erase every girl's painful memory more so mine, I can only ask and pray that they'll surpass and survive their own battles and challenges.  As for you, Yumi, you will always be loved... Sorry that I fell deaf to your chance of becoming a blessing to all you would come to know.  You are and will always be every random girl I would see...  the face of my dearest.

Xs and Ys

I will elaborate this in another time.

Good night. :)

there's something in the air

that feels something like impatience and helplessness

though hope insists and persists

at one point in time everyday

my head would feel light and bloated

then hot water would burst and flow from there

to the nearest entrance to a world worthy of loathness

but a big ball rolled of realities that i need to swallow and digest

it is needed a heavy burden to carry every waking, walking,

sitting, talking, standing, listening, eating, and sleeping hour

yet my heart is thankful

so thankful for this disheartening experience

and for those to come

i'm ready 

my heart's ready

finally

021316