moonlight

beauty i have never fully seen

not until light shows up and finds home

on the strands of  your hair

you are more enchanting in moonlight

filtered with everything admirable in you

grace period

once a man broke my heart quite intentionally and it reallly hurt so bad. i laid in bed and watched tv for three days without sleeping. just by looking at my face you could enjoy a horror movie that would scare and hunt you for days. i lost weight so much i bought a handful of safety pins just to fit myself into my clothes. when i thought i was about lose myself, i prayed to God to take all the pain away. i told Him that i know everything happens for a reason and i trust Him with all my heart that He knows what's best for me.

forgiveness was a different issue though. truthfully, i had a hard time forgiving that man. i couldnt find a single cell of reason in my brain that  would make him leave me the way he did. it was only after some time that i was able to say that i have truly forgiven him. and i thank God for that. He made me realize that no matter how badly people treat you, you should always have a loving and forgiving heart.

a while ago, when ate luz was getting reactions from the brethren about today's topic, i thought to myself what i would say if she asked me. i was surprised to feel tears trickling down on my face. confused as i was, i started to question what i really felt... it was gratitude. I cannot imagine the magnitude of God's faithfulness and kindness to every human being that He even gave us a 'grace period' through Christ's one thousand year reign.

in my heart i know God loves me. i have given Him so many heartaches but still He paints a smile on my face whenever He thinks i needed it. i believe He is just asking for one thing among others through today's topic... that i, we, should give kindness to all and always extend our own 'grace period' to everyone. hard and laborious as it may seem, it will bear fruit someday as Kuya Daniel and Brother Eli said.

happy thanksgiving.  :)

35

two numbers that can cut you wide and deep
slit you open 'til you see reality settling inside
you
an inevitable one
to someone who sees blue from black
and happiness from a shrouded disaster
to my chagrin
always
never have to question that
yet regretful about what you can see
through the slightly opened window
if only the door has not been shut

i woke up to the sound of fear

a man and a woman were fighting over a small apparatus used by a diabetic patient.  the man was sitting on a dining chair while the woman was standing up, showing the man how to use the thing properly.

i saw this vivid image as my eyes were forced open by the sharp points of their exchange of words.  from the point of view of an outsider, the whole ordeal may seem trivial.  but for someone who knew them since birth, it was believable enough to conclude that their actions stemmed out from a deeply rooted emotion.

fear.

although it's been said that watching horror or thriller movies can have a considerable effect to a person's physical state, i watch one old horror movie at nights when i need to finish a task.  i just let it roll in my player until such time that i'm scaring myself too much and i'm nervous enough not to keep my eyes shut.  sometimes it is fear that pushes me to eat or not lest i acquire diseases.  and every time it is fear that encourages me to be a good person because i believe that God is fair.  He is willing to grant prayers if He sees that a person deserves it and is obedient to Him.

so what about the man and the woman?

i feel they are both afraid to lose each other.  oftentimes in relationships, when a person tries very hard to be understood by the other, he or she doesn't want the relationship to end at that instance.  apparently, it suggests fear.  sometimes it leads to a point when they get frustrated and even try to hurt each other physically though that shouldn't happen. love should always be the reason to stay or get out of a relationship instead of fear.  and if one says that he or she loves another but has fear, it's not love at all - love is without fear.

i have another fear and it has a different kind of story.  i am hoping someday to wake up without it.  :)

To the girl I loved and lost

     I really cannot imagine a mother leaving her still young daughter on a corner pavement with her baby brother in her arms asking for anything from alms to half-drank Coke floats on a late Sunday evening with everyone else going to malls, partying, and plunging into eating binges.  I can go on describing and going into details about what I just saw but what I cannot blabber is the feeling it gave me.  I was moved to tears when the little girl looked at me teary-eyed.  Maybe she was hungry and couldn't stand up to buy food because it seemed that her baby brother was too heavy for her to carry.  Or she was feeling lonely to be all alone by herself with oblivious strangers just passing by her.

     Sympathetic and all, I remember a time when I walked from UP Diliman to Malabon City.  I went to UP to see my best friend wearing my Letran uniform and carrying my backpack full of books and choir uniform.  He seemed to have forgotten me when he rode a jeep going home and left me penniless.  He knew I had no extra money then and said he would pay for my fare. :)

     So I tread every pedestrian lane, careful not to expend my strength all at once from walking unlimited kilometers to reach my destination.  It took me almost four hours.  I was so hungry at the end of the ordeal and my legs and the soles of my feet were aching, bloated I presume.  I think I've sung almost all the songs that were written during that time.  It was one of the memorable experiences I had tucked in the corner of my brain and summoned only when a subject like that random little girl calls for needed empathy and act of kindness.

     I don't want to feel sadness to that extent ever again because of someone's negligence.  But as much as I want to erase every girl's painful memory more so mine, I can only ask and pray that they'll surpass and survive their own battles and challenges.  As for you, Yumi, you will always be loved... Sorry that I fell deaf to your chance of becoming a blessing to all you would come to know.  You are and will always be every random girl I would see...  the face of my dearest.

Xs and Ys

I will elaborate this in another time.

Good night. :)

there's something in the air

that feels something like impatience and helplessness

though hope insists and persists

at one point in time everyday

my head would feel light and bloated

then hot water would burst and flow from there

to the nearest entrance to a world worthy of loathness

but a big ball rolled of realities that i need to swallow and digest

it is needed a heavy burden to carry every waking, walking,

sitting, talking, standing, listening, eating, and sleeping hour

yet my heart is thankful

so thankful for this disheartening experience

and for those to come

i'm ready 

my heart's ready

finally

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