35

two numbers that can cut you wide and deep
slit you open 'til you see reality settling inside
you
an inevitable one
to someone who sees blue from black
and happiness from a shrouded disaster
to my chagrin
always
never have to question that
yet regretful about what you can see
through the slightly opened window
if only the door has not been shut

i woke up to the sound of fear

a man and a woman were fighting over a small apparatus used by a diabetic patient.  the man was sitting on a dining chair while the woman was standing up, showing the man how to use the thing properly.

i saw this vivid image as my eyes were forced open by the sharp points of their exchange of words.  from the point of view of an outsider, the whole ordeal may seem trivial.  but for someone who knew them since birth, it was believable enough to conclude that their actions stemmed out from a deeply rooted emotion.

fear.

although it's been said that watching horror or thriller movies can have a considerable effect to a person's physical state, i watch one old horror movie at nights when i need to finish a task.  i just let it roll in my player until such time that i'm scaring myself too much and i'm nervous enough not to keep my eyes shut.  sometimes it is fear that pushes me to eat or not lest i acquire diseases.  and every time it is fear that encourages me to be a good person because i believe that God is fair.  He is willing to grant prayers if He sees that a person deserves it and is obedient to Him.

so what about the man and the woman?

i feel they are both afraid to lose each other.  oftentimes in relationships, when a person tries very hard to be understood by the other, he or she doesn't want the relationship to end at that instance.  apparently, it suggests fear.  sometimes it leads to a point when they get frustrated and even try to hurt each other physically though that shouldn't happen. love should always be the reason to stay or get out of a relationship instead of fear.  and if one says that he or she loves another but has fear, it's not love at all - love is without fear.

i have another fear and it has a different kind of story.  i am hoping someday to wake up without it.  :)

To the girl I loved and lost

     I really cannot imagine a mother leaving her still young daughter on a corner pavement with her baby brother in her arms asking for anything from alms to half-drank Coke floats on a late Sunday evening with everyone else going to malls, partying, and plunging into eating binges.  I can go on describing and going into details about what I just saw but what I cannot blabber is the feeling it gave me.  I was moved to tears when the little girl looked at me teary-eyed.  Maybe she was hungry and couldn't stand up to buy food because it seemed that her baby brother was too heavy for her to carry.  Or she was feeling lonely to be all alone by herself with oblivious strangers just passing by her.

     Sympathetic and all, I remember a time when I walked from UP Diliman to Malabon City.  I went to UP to see my best friend wearing my Letran uniform and carrying my backpack full of books and choir uniform.  He seemed to have forgotten me when he rode a jeep going home and left me penniless.  He knew I had no extra money then and said he would pay for my fare. :)

     So I tread every pedestrian lane, careful not to expend my strength all at once from walking unlimited kilometers to reach my destination.  It took me almost four hours.  I was so hungry at the end of the ordeal and my legs and the soles of my feet were aching, bloated I presume.  I think I've sung almost all the songs that were written during that time.  It was one of the memorable experiences I had tucked in the corner of my brain and summoned only when a subject like that random little girl calls for needed empathy and act of kindness.

     I don't want to feel sadness to that extent ever again because of someone's negligence.  But as much as I want to erase every girl's painful memory more so mine, I can only ask and pray that they'll surpass and survive their own battles and challenges.  As for you, Yumi, you will always be loved... Sorry that I fell deaf to your chance of becoming a blessing to all you would come to know.  You are and will always be every random girl I would see...  the face of my dearest.

Xs and Ys

I will elaborate this in another time.

Good night. :)

there's something in the air

that feels something like impatience and helplessness

though hope insists and persists

at one point in time everyday

my head would feel light and bloated

then hot water would burst and flow from there

to the nearest entrance to a world worthy of loathness

but a big ball rolled of realities that i need to swallow and digest

it is needed a heavy burden to carry every waking, walking,

sitting, talking, standing, listening, eating, and sleeping hour

yet my heart is thankful

so thankful for this disheartening experience

and for those to come

i'm ready 

my heart's ready

finally

021316

Writing challenge for the walking dead

Write a 20-line poem where every line begins with the first letter of your first name. The only rule is that it can’t be about you. (http://www.writersdigest.com/prompts)

Dawn is breaking but not after four hours or so and
Dreaming of her is near impossible for 
Dry and cracked is the path towards redemption
Death endowed to all hopes of even seeing her
Dwarfed by the enormous efforts of the heavens and earth to be at her side and
Damned to not move in this unhappy place
Draw him to her so he can erase all the 'uns' in his life
Direct him, if not, give him a hint to that buoyant star pointing to her though
Darkness looms around like a stiff blanket, four end-knots tied to the ends of the universe
Does she know this?
Does she feel his heart aching through the wails of his discontentment?
Deny everything she can about him except the truth that
Day by day he crushes every ounce of doubt and uncertainty just to go on loving her
Draining waters of pride with only one thing in mind
Der is perfect timing
Da more he insists on doing it his own way
Da less God will give him her so
Da one thing he can do now is pray and wait
Dat is the only way because
Der is no better one than that.


"Hindi mabuti ang isang bagay kapag hindi tinapos," Kuya Daniel says.

Sorry though 'cause my brain couldn't produce words starting with "D" anymore. :D

The Circle of Anamnesis

I've been coloring an adult book these past few months.  And I just thought of coming up with my own pattern.  

Thinking of shapes was not as hard as it seem. What's difficult was how my brain was collecting memories while I sketched and tossed the paper around. Then it became a useless diversion.

I was thinking of filling up an entire paper with patterns similar to this one.

What do you think, my not-so-oblivious brain? ;)